Gamer Goddess Ch.01
by Tx Tall Tales (c)
The Gamer Goddess meets her match.
This story is very online-gaming-centric. It uses a lot of concepts, vocabulary and acronyms from games, especially Diablo 3, which this story revolves around. If you’re not a gamer, it’s likely this story might not be for you. Just a heads-up.
A little gaming, online lingo:
IRL/RL – In Real Life / Real Life (as opposed to gaming world)
OP – Over Powered / Original Poster
IMHO – In My Humble Opinion (I feel dumb even listing this one)
XP – eXPerience, how you track progress in game
Neckbeard – Overweight, unshaven, unkempt geek with hair on his neck
Normal/Nightmare/Hell/Inferno – Progressively harder Diablo3 Levels
DPS – Damage per second, how much game damage you do
Portal – Game ability to teleport back to town. Takes a few seconds
Noob/Newbie/New Meat – New to the game, ignorant or stupid
Res/Rez/Resurrect – Bring a dead game character back to life
GTFO – Get the Fuck Out – insult for a noob or jerk to get lost
STFU – Shut the Fuck Up
Tits or GTFO – popularized in 4chan. Typical response to anonymous ‘girls’
I wasn’t a socializer. I played hard and played to win. Recorded and posted some of my more interesting tactics, strategies and successes. No time for the namby pamby. I only had 11 in-game friends, turning down numerous requests a day. If I didn’t know you IRL you weren’t on my list.
Another scrolling pink message in the bottom corner of my screen was nothing special. Something to be ignored nine times out of 10.
[CherryBomb] Dan says you have all the good gear. Hook me up
Wasn’t worthy of a reply. Too busy farming Inferno Act III non-stop. I picked up my second legendary in as many days. I know that would excite a lot of newbies, but 9 times out of 10, I’d prefer a good yellow drop over the infrequent orange.
The game had been out for over three weeks already. Playing Beta had helped me get off to a rocking start, but people were catching up. I couldn’t back off now.
I popped out of the campaign, checking my auctions. I was well up into the 10’s of millions. Maybe not the most, but doing well. The damn Chinese gold farmers would pass me before long, but that was the game. WoW had been just as bad, if not worse. Once I finished the game solo, I was going full-time hardcore anyway, and that would keep most of the bots at bay.
[CherryBomb] Busy? I desperately need decent all-resist. Amulet would be best
I’m sure it would be best. Pricey as hell. The Auction House held plenty. Go shop.
ColMustard was begging for a trip to WhimseyShire. Since I’d posted a vid of me solo’ing it at Inferno level, all my friends wanted to pay a visit. But he was better than most, and gave as good as he got. I opened up the game to take him on a tour. I was the only person I knew with the upgraded staff needed for Whimsey Inferno. It still kicked my ass. But the loot so far had been unGodly.
Fucker had to be res’d half a dozen times, and got me killed twice, which I hate, but it was good for about 60K in gold and two bags of loot. A kick ass shield, max block, hi armor, good crit. Should net a few 100K on the auction.
CherryBomb was consistent, I’ll give ’em that. Not spamming me, but every few hours I’d get a request for help with gear. It was getting hard to ignore it.
I was leveling a new hardcore barbarian, after my accidental level 53 death the day before. Fuckin’ lag. It was slower going, but I hated power-leveling through exploits. Finding some combo that was OP, that was one thing, but multiple quest turn-ins at double your level sucks IMHO.
PerZeus was online, and offered an invite. He played a Demon Hunter. We worked together well. I also owed him. He’d found my quiver with 9% bonus to Elemental Arrow for my own DH.
I joined his game and hit his banner in town. We were both almost level 50, and he wanted to run the boss’s for XP before moving to Hell.
[PerZeus] One more. On her way
Shit. I hated that. Playing with someone I didn’t know, especially hardcore, where if you died you lost the character for good, and everything on it. Anyone but PerZeus, or maybe GnuMeat, and I’d have left. We were standing in the stairwell, idling when the flash appeared.
[CherryBomb] You ready? I only have 30 minutes
Crap. I’d been dodging this character for three days.
[CherryBomb] AceHole? Cool. I like your play-style
CherryBomb was running a level 54 Monk. That was pretty impressive. A quick check of the profile was more disappointing.
[AceHole] 4K DPS? Do you ever manage to kill anything?
[CherryBomb] My gear sucks. Yeah. Why don’t you hook me up?
[PerZeus] Chat later? Let’s get some XP and loot
I’ll say this. For someone so under-geared, CherryBomb had skills. Thirty minutes became an hour and we knocked out some pretty tough elite mobs and several bosses. The loot was mediocre but this was all about the XP.
[CherryBomb] Gotta run. RL calls. Nice party. We should do it again
[AceHole] I take back the 4K shit. You’re good
[CherryBomb] That’s what they tell me 😉
Smiley? Really? Fuckin’ noob.
[PerZeus] One more run?
Mistake. Almost died. It was a lot harder without CherryBomb. Still, we managed to survive, and broke level 51 where the gear got better. I had a 10 level reduction two-hander that was epic. It had been used by my previous character, and had been swapped out the same day I lost him and everything on him. The only good thing on an otherwise crappy day. Doubled my damage as soon as I equipped it. The next 4-6 levels would fly by.
[PerZeus] Easier with Cherry. You gonna help her out gear-wise?
[AceHole] You know her in RL?
[PerZeus] No, but she’s cool. Been around since day one
[AceHole] Lotta noob mistakes. Doesn’t know how to use Shadow worth a damn. And shitty gear. All the cursing. I think she’s mapped a different curse to every quick chat key. Probably some neckbeard in his Momma’s basement pretending to be a chick
[PerZeus] That, or some 13 year old, who’s just learned half those words. Never can tell
* * *
I hit level 56, and went back to my softcore account to do a little farming. Softcore was for learning. I intended to clear Inferno with every class, softcore. Hardcore was for fun. My auctions were almost all done, another 5.2 million in my account, mostly thanks to a 3.1 million ring. Needed to stock up. The economy was shifting. People had gold, and prices were going up. A couple of hours should do it.
I logged in and saw the new friend request. CherryBomb.
I was building my valor stacks for improved looting when the messages started.
[CherryBomb] No friend? 🙁
[AceHole] Sorry. It’s a personal rule. Only peeps I know IRL
[CherryBomb] Understood. A lot of fake weirdo’s online. I’m pretty picky too
[AceHole] Yeah. Sorry about that. You do play well. We can party some time
[CherryBomb] Your place or mine? 😉
[AceHole] Right. Your place is probably your Mom’s basement, under about 3 feet of old Pizza boxes
[CherryBomb] And your place is better?
[AceHole] You’ll never know. Access me through the recently played list
[CherryBomb] You gonna help gear me up? Dan says you have the corner on amulets. You got a +75-80 all resist?
[AceHole] 70 is max. Noob
[CherryBomb] Why are you mean to me?
[AceHole] I hate f*cking neckbeards pretending to be hot chicks just to scam gear
[CherryBomb] I never said I was hot, and I am a ‘chick’
[AceHole] Tits or GTFO
That shut him up. Or so I thought.
[CherryBomb] Skype. CherryB0mb22. Now!
This should be interesting. I escaped to menus, and alt-tabbed out.
Two minutes later I had Skype up, calling CherryB0mb22. The video chat window popped open.
Not possible. She was a little hottie. Geek glasses. Ultra-tight t-shirt showing some serious assets. Headset looked like the new Astro A40. Nice.
“Believe me now?” she asked, smirking.
“Nice try. How much is he paying you to pose for him?”
She looked a little more than irritated. “You saying I can’t play ’cause I’m a girl?”
“I’m saying nobody that looks like that plays Diablo 3 eight hours a day.”
She smiled. “Kind of a backhanded compliment but I’ll take it. My job is kind of hit or miss. I get a lot of free time.”
“No, really. You a sister? Friend? Paid escort?”
Suddenly she wasn’t so sweet looking, snarling at me. “Listen, AceHole, I game. I’m good. How about some fucking credit where it’s due?”
“How did we meet in game?” I asked, still finding it hard to believe she was the same CherryBomb.
“Other than you ignoring me for 3 days, PerZeus brought me in so I could escort your weenie asses through the end of Hell.”
I was stunned. “You’re real?”
She smiled. She reached down and grabbed her t-shirt clad breasts, shaking them. “Tits or Get-The-Fuck-Out? These real enough for you?”
“I’ve seen neckbeard fakers with bigger.”
She laughed with me, and it was nice to see. “Trust me. Mine are better.”
“I’m not the trusting sort. Pics or it didn’t happen.”
She pouted prettily. “Pics aren’t free. Not from the only girl on the internet.”
“A 76 resist-all amulet, with 46 physical resist says those aren’t real.”
She grinned, raising her eyebrows cutely. “I thought they only went to 70, noob.”
“Shows what you know. 68 All Resistance, with 84 Intelligence. 76 Resist.”
She looked interested. “Pretty cool. I didn’t think about it stacking like that. I prove they’re real, I get the amulet?”
“They better be spectacular. It’s a 2 million gold amulet.”
“No screenshots. Eyes only. And you deliver the amulet first.”
I knew I was being scammed. No way this was legit. It didn’t stop me; tits were tits. I could make the 2 million back in a few hours. “Switching to game now. Invite me in a couple of minutes.”
I popped back into the game. Took me about two minutes to grab the amulet out of my stash and accept her party invite. I ended up in town, with her main character. I dropped the loot on the ground. She only took a second to pick it up.
[CherryBomb] Sweet! These stats are incredible!
Hardly incredible. Secondary stats were crap except for the Int. None of the really important attributes. But the resist alone made it valuable.
[AceHole] It’s pretty good. A big upgrade. It should help.
[CherryBomb] Wow. Almost 40 percent increase in resist across the board. Thanks. Back to Skype?
Forty percent? She really was playing with crap for gear. And stupid. Monk had the easiest resistance in the game with their passive skill. Surprised she made it to level 54 hardcore.
[AceHole] Sounds good to me.
Skype was still up, and I switched out of the game, seeing her pecking at her keyboard. She turned to the camera suddenly looking shy. “To be honest, I thought you were going to try to scam me somehow,” she said.
“It’s the internet. I thought the same.”
She nodded. “It’s a kickin’ amulet. Best gear I have by far. So much better than just the resistance.”
“Yeah. I try to be fair. You cheat people, it comes back to bite you. Too many scammers out there. It’s part of why I only friend Real-Life.”
She smiled. “I’ll be honest. I was only going to flash you, but I’d feel like a shit after this. You so over delivered.”
“I’ll be honest too. I’m still waiting to be scammed.”
She gave me a pout. “Poor baby. So untrusting. So are you ready for me?” She had her arms crossed in front of her, holding the bottom of her t-shirt.
“I’ve got my fingers crossed, and I’m hoping I’m wrong for once.”
She smiled, scooted forward on the chair, and lifted her shirt slowly. I saw her firm stomach, cute little belly-button with requisite gemmed piercing, and then a simple white bra, covering some very nice if not huge tits. I’d guess a solid C. Then again, I’m hardly an expert.
“Like what you see?” she asked, reaching up and shaking them.
“Very nice,” I admitted. I hoped to God this wasn’t the end of the show.
She laughed. “I can see you, you know. You’re thinking I’m gonna stiff you, right? Bra isn’t tits.”
“The thought crossed my mind.”
“I’m not. I wouldn’t. I’m not like that. Karma and all that shit. Besides, I think you and I are going to be great friends in game, and I know who has the outrageous gear.”
She leaned forward, showing me cleavage. “Close your eyes for me, OK?”
I really had my fingers crossed. On both hands. I closed my eyes.
The video window was full side to side, with the sweetest most perfect tits I could imagine. Ideal shape, pink areola the size of silver dollars, perfect hard little nipples a little bigger than a pencil eraser. I leaned forward, taking in every little bump, line and freckle.
“Don’t disappoint me and start licking the monitor now,” she giggled. “You’ve been holding up so well.”
“I was wrong. I’ll man up. Definitely not a neckbeard. You, young lady, are the real deal.”
She backed away from the screen, her hands reaching up and covering her tits. “Fair trade? No scam right.”
“Not fair at all,” I said.
She looked mad. “How could you say that? I thought it was more than fair! I know you liked them.”
“Unfair. In the game. Now.”
I punched over. It wasn’t fair. I’d underpaid. Let’s face it, incredible gamer girl tits were a lot rarer than anything else in game. Possibly unique. We were still partied-up in her game.
[AceHole] Give me the amulet back
[CherryBomb] No way. A deal’s a deal
I hit the /take emote key, for its pre-recorded message.
[AceHole] Take this.
[AceHole] Swap Amulets. Give me old one, take this. Those tits are epic. I didn’t pay enough. Now we’re even
She picked up the Amulet, and dropped the previous one. She spent a few seconds examining it. I had her player up in the profile, and watched her swap out the jewelry.
[CherryBomb] OMG! This thing is unreal! I didn’t know they could have stats like this
[AceHole] Mine is only .5% better on Crit. Maybe 12 million on auction. A few weeks from now, five times that. You still have a lot to learn. Amulets are attack gear. Max crit %, attack speed are more important than resist. Way more important than base stats. It is epic, but so are those tits
[CherryBomb] You really think that one look was worth this? Are you always so fair in your dealings?
[AceHole] I try to be
[CherryBomb] You didn’t take any screenshots or anything did you? Please tell me I’m not going to find pictures of my tits all over the place
[AceHole] No way. Not my style. For my eyes only
[CherryBomb] I’m going to be honest again. With a nick like AceHole, I didn’t expect such decent behavior. Skype?
I swapped out of game, and decided immediately I was going to upgrade my video card and run dual displays so I didn’t have to switch out of the game. Maybe I’d replace the computer with something ridiculously overpowered, and play windowed. Fuck. Never mind. I’d run a second PC, second monitor. So much easier.
She was still topless, typing, her pretty tits jiggling. She turned to the camera. “I’m going to put them away now, Ok? Debt paid and all?”
“One more close-up?” I asked.
She grinned. “Hard to say no after that upgrade.” She moved forward until those amazing breasts filled the window. “No screenshots, right?”
“I promise,” I leaned forward, still finding it hard to believe these tits were on a fellow gamer. “Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone who plays as good as you, has tits like these?”
She backed away, giggling as she slipped her shirt back over her head. “Now that is the nicest thing you’ve said so far. You admit I play good?”
“You’ve got skills. Your movement in game is very good. You choose among your skills well. You still have a lot of holes in your game, and your strategy sucks ass, but you could be very, very good.”
She leaned back crossing her arms. “So what am I doing wrong?”
I laughed “I don’t have that kind of time. But you could start with worrying less about dexterity since you seem to have a ton, and work more on Attack Speed and Crit Hit Chance. I bet your Critical Hit chance is next to nothing.”
“With my new Amulet, it’s over 12%.”
We spent about 20 minutes chatting about the best stats to chase, what equipment would have them, and why they were worth having. She was knowledgeable, knew the game pretty well, and was willing to learn. I was surprised to find I was enjoying the convo.
“I gotta run,” I finally told her. “RL calls.”
She grinned. “Don’t you hate that? If only we didn’t have to pay the bills, although I guess your Mom’s paying yours.”
“My bills are low.”
“I’m sure. Pizza, Coke and Kleenex. Catch you in game?”
“Sure. I’ll be around.”
* * *
It was late the following afternoon. I was leveling my hardcore barbarian again, up to level 55. Things were starting to slow a little. I’d already finished Nightmare Act II. Champion Jailor Wasps damn near killed me, when I ran into a second boss crowd.
I saw the rose colored writing in the corner.
[CherryBomb] Amulet helps a lot. Thanks again
I was too busy to reply, barely keeping my ass alive in a whacked out rare timed dungeon. Run-run-run. I had a ton of interruptions, both in game and in RL. It was over an hour before I had time to respond to Cherry.
[AceHole] Glad you liked it. You upgrading anything else?
No reply. Maybe she was pissed at me for ignoring her for so long. I hit the auction house to see how my bank was doing.
[CherryBomb] Sorry about that. Party play, crazy times. You should have been there, could have helped a lot
[AceHole] I don’t play open or with strangers. Especially not hardcore
[CherryBomb] We’re not still strangers are we?
[CherryBomb] You didn’t tell me that Attack Speed and Crit Chance together were stupid expensive
[AceHole] They’re not. Shop a little. You can get some decent stuff for under $400K
[CherryBomb] As if. At $200K I’d be broke again
[AceHole] I hope you’re kidding
[CherryBomb] I wish
Cute girl. Total noob. Gold was too easy. How could she not be able to afford the basics? She did have decent gaming skills, just really short on game knowledge. I smiled to myself. Legendary tits.
[AceHole] Got some time? Do a little softcore farming?
[CherryBomb] Cool. Where?
[CherryBomb] No shit? You got the staff?
[AceHole] Upgraded to Inferno. Ready in 5? I’m gonna stock up on pizza, Coke and Kleenex
[CherryBomb] 🙂 Invite when ready
It was slow going. She’d never been there before, and these were some of the hardest fucker’s in the game, in a cartoon setting. We wiped out the first Elite pack, and she went to click on the Happy Cloud.
[AceHole] Stop. Don’t. Not yet
[CherryBomb] Why not? We share evenly right?
[AceHole] Clear level first. Then loot after switch to MF gear
[CherryBomb] Magic Find? Does it help?
[AceHole] Silly Noob. My MF buffed is 304. It helps a ton
It took us another 40 minutes to clear the rest of the level. She died three times, and I died once. She did a good job of staying alive and rezzing me, I’ll give her that. It normally takes me less than 1/2 hour to do the whole thing solo. We still needed work, but by the end we were getting the hang of each other.