Anyone who’s read my stuff knows I like it when things get a little goofy. Well this is definitely the silliest story I’ve written so far. If everything must be super serious, this story is definitely not for you.

Everyone is over 18.


Mary had a problem: her 19-year-old son, Michael, would not stop masturbating.

Mary had never had this problem with Michael’s three sisters. They weren’t jamming their hands down their pants every free minute they got. Mary, herself, had certainly never done such things. She was sure that her John had not, as well, when he was alive. How else had he gotten her with child in such quick succession? A family of four children in four years was the sign of a truly moral man.

Mary found out about Michael’s habit in the usual way. She went into his bedroom to pick up the laundry and there he was, jamming on himself like a deranged animal. It was horrible, and she told him to stop immediately. Mary was angry at her son, of course, but most of all she was scared. She knew what Michael was doing was a terrible sin.

But Michael kept masturbating despite the impending doom it implied. He did his best to hide his activities. But once Mary knew the signs – the closed door, the loud music, the mysteriously sticky underwear and the vast consumption of tissues – she was always able to catch him.

Mary started off being kind. She patiently explained that it was natural for a boy Michael’s age to have urges, but that God wanted him to remain pure. Then Mary threatened her son, telling him that every ejaculation would lead him one step closer to eternal damnation. She even tried punishments, ordering him off to bed without dinner as soon as she saw what he was up to. But everything she tried only seemed to make him do it more.

With nowhere left to turn, Mary went to talk to their family priest. She was embarrassed, of course. Admitting that she couldn’t control her son, keep him on the moral path, made her feel like a failure. But Mary needed Father Donovan’s wisdom more than her pride.

They met in his private office. Everything smelled slightly of old books and fresh potpourri. Sitting on the far side of Father Donovan’s oversized wooden desk, Mary told him everything.

“I’m sorry Mary,” Father Donovan said, “I know that losing your husband so young was hard for your family. Michael in particular. But masturbation is a sin. God is very clear about this. Man is only permitted to ejaculate inside a woman’s vagina. Not in his underwear, a tissue, his own hand, or… Well, anywhere else he might think to put it.”

“But he’ll go to Hell,” Mary said and sobbed.

“That’s why he needs your help.”


The long drive home gave Mary plenty of time to think about her problem. Could she wrap Michael’s penis in something that kept him from touching it? What if she made sure someone was watching him all the time? It all sounded so stupid and ridiculous. Mary was failing her son and she knew it.

And then it came to her. Father Donovan had not said that Michael couldn’t masturbate. The act itself was fine – it was the result, and what Michael did with it, that was the problem. Mary simply needed the appropriate receptacle for her son’s spend. And wouldn’t you know it? She had three of them just waiting for her at home.


Mary asked the entire family to join her around the kitchen table. The first to come down the stairs was her oldest daughter. Hope was 21, tall and thin with dark brown hair that she always kept tied up in a ponytail. She was wearing a pair of sensible slacks with a sweater over a button-down shirt.

Her middle daughter, Chastity, came down next. She was 20 and about medium height with bright blonde hair that ran in rings to her shoulders. She had a broader build, like her father’s. Chastity was wearing a light blue sun dress that probably showed a bit too much of her large chest and shapely legs.

Finally Tabitha, the youngest at 18, entered the room. With light brown hair down to the middle of her back, she was a bit shorter than Chastity and a bit curvier than Hope. Especially in the hips. She was wearing a t-shirt with some cartoon character on it and a pair of ripped up jeans.

All three were very pretty girls – bright. Hope and Chastity were both top of their classes at college nearby, and Tabitha was in line for a scholarship to Villanova. And all three of them were single. It wasn’t appropriate for such young women to have boyfriends. But Mary knew each would make an excellent wife sometime in the future.

Once everyone was seated, Mary called Michael into the room. At 19, he was tall and muscular, though often clumsy – like a boy trapped in an adult’s body. It didn’t help that it seemed like he’d outgrown his clothes overnight. Everything was just a tad too tight on her son’s body.

Michael’s unruly, curly brown hair bounced as he flopped into his seat. He clearly thought he was in some kind of trouble. Mary smiled – he was going to feel much better once she told him the good news.

“As all of you know, I’ve been struggling with how to deal with your brother and his little problem.”

“Moooom,” Michael said, burying his head behind his muscular arms, “Why are you always talking about this? It’s so embarrassing.”

“If you could control yourself we wouldn’t have to talk about it,” Mary said.

“It’s OK, Michael,” Hope said, kindly. She had stepped in as a surrogate second parent for her younger siblings after their father had died. “It’s perfectly natural to want to do things like that. Especially as a young man.” As always, Hope had a serious look on her face. The archetypal first child – driven and deliberate.

“I agree,” Tabitha said, “I’ve read a lot about it.” She was the smartest in the family, though also the most innocent. Tabitha spent so much time behind a screen, she often struggled when she stepped out into the real world.

“Yeah,” Chastity said, “Everybody knows boys have to pet the one-eyed snake once a day or they, like, die.” That was Chastity – always teasing. She wasn’t mean, but Chastity wasn’t exactly kind to her kin, either.

“Some people clearly think this is funny,” Mary said, “But I know better. At first, I thought that you were innocent, Michael. Naive. Then I believed that you were doing it on purpose. Trying to hurt me and the family. But I’ve come to understand the truth: you cannot control yourself. And it’s my job – the family’s job – to help you. To keep your soul safe. That’s why I’ve been talking to Father Donovan.”

“Oh my God. Does everyone have to know?” Michael asked.

“Yes God,” Mary said, “That’s exactly the problem. Father Donovan made it very clear that you will be damned forever if we don’t stop you from spilling your sperm all over the house. And unlike some people, I know that Father Donovan isn’t the type to say things just to jerk me around.”

Chastity giggled.

“In fact, Father Donovan has given me an idea for how we can handle Michael’s problem, so it doesn’t shoot us all in the face.”

Chastity burst out laughing. Her face bright red.

“It’s not a joke, Chastity,” Mary said, “We’re all going to have to work together to make Father Donovan’s solution work.”

Well, it had been Mary’s solution, really. But she felt like the family was more likely to listen if she put a bit of priestly guidance behind her thinking. And Father Donovan had given her the seed of the idea. The room went silent. She had their attention.

“Father Donovan reminded me that the problem isn’t Michael’s horrible addiction to self-pleasure…”

“Mooooom,” Michael groaned.

“…it’s what he’s doing with the results.”

“Look, Mom,” Hope said, “We all want to help Michael out, but shouldn’t this be a conversation between you and him? I’m not sure why we need to be involved.”

“Because you’re the ones that have to help him,” Mary said.

“Wait,” Chastity said, “You want us to like, jerk him…”

“Oh my Lord no! You can’t do that to your brother. That would be terrible!” Mary said, shocked. She felt the whole room seem to sigh in relief, “Michael needs to ejaculate in your vaginas, not your hands.”

All three sisters went stiff. They looked at each other side eyed. No one breathed, let alone said anything. Mary saw that Michael, however, was staring straight at Tabitha. He was making a very strange face that looked almost like desire.

“Isn’t it the perfect solution?” Mary said, “God wants Michael’s sperm to go inside a woman. So long as he does that, it’s OK.”

“You want us to fu… I mean, have intercourse with Michael?” Hope asked. Her voice slipped out like a whisper.

“Oh no, honey. Not at all. Michael will do his thing as usual. When he’s ready to go, he’ll just finish where he’s supposed to. That’s all.”

“Oh, well if that’s all,” Chastity said.

“See,” Mary said, “Your sister gets it.”

“But Momma,” Tabitha said, “None of us are on the pill.”

“That’s exactly right, honey,” Mary said, “Birth control is also a sin. No pill or condoms or any of that. But there’s such a thing as the rhythm method. Your body is only fertile for a few days each month, when you’re ovulating. And we’ll know when that is because we can track it on the calendar. Plus there’s other signs too. So when you’re not safe, Michael will simply use one of your other sisters, instead. That’s why all of you have to work together.”

“I’m so confused,” Hope said.

“It’s easy,” Mary said, disappointed that her eldest daughter, of all people, didn’t get it, “But if it makes you feel better, I’ll supervise the first few times to make sure we get it right.”

“Mom,” Hope said, “I get that you’re trying to help. But I don’t know…”

Mary’s patience finally snapped. “I have had it up to here with the entitlement in this family!” Mary jumped out of her seat, waving her finger at her daughters as she spoke. “I work so hard to provide for all of you. But I ask you to make one little sacrifice, one, and it’s too much to ask. Clearly, I’ve raised selfish, spoiled little brats. If you’re not willing to do this for your brother, maybe I should stop doing things for you. College, cell phones, clothes. I don’t need to pay for those things. Maybe when you’re working three jobs instead of going to class, you’ll understand what it means to make concessions for the people you love.”

The three girls all looked at each other with scared, tiny eyes. They tried asking more questions, but Mary made it clear that this was the only way forward. Finally, she extracted a promise from each of them that they would help their brother, no matter what. God, what was so hard about assisting a sibling, honestly?

As everyone left the room, Mary realized that her son hadn’t said anything at all about her plan. He’d just nodded when she asked him to promise to use his sisters from then on. She supposed that Michael was so ashamed that it had come to this he couldn’t say a word. Or perhaps he was overcome with happiness.

After all, Mary had just saved his soul.


Mary bought a big calendar and tacked it up on the fridge. Then she made each of the girls mark down their cycles so that they could determine their safe days. You’d think she was asking them to choose which finger they wanted to cut off, for all their complaining.

Mary knew better than to ask Michael to be regular about his activities. They would all have to play by ear and figure things out as they went. Fortunately, all three girls lived at home and they all had different schedules with school, extracurricular activities and, of course, church. That meant at least one sister would be available at all times.

With everything set up, Mary wanted to get things started as soon as possible. Fortunately, her son was on the same wavelength. That very next evening, after dinner, she heard music blaring in Michael’s room. Her favorite scented hand lotion was missing from her bathroom. All the signs were there. Mary opened the door and, sure enough, there was Michael lying back on his bed. Pants around his ankles. Penis in his palm.

Mary had heard boys liked to look at pictures when they did it, but her son just had his eyes squeezed shut. His body twisted in rising pleasure. He was whispering a word that sounded a bit like ‘Tabitha,’ but Mary couldn’t be sure.

Michael’s eyes popped open when his mother walked in the room. “Holy… Mom! I told you not to bother me when I’m… When my door is shut.”

“And I told you what to do the next time you masturbate,” Mary said. She crossed her arms with disdain. Michael lay back, looking shocked. His penis was still in his fist, pulsing and purple.

“Well, come on then,” Mary said, “Let’s get this over with. Unless you need more time.”

“No! I mean. No – it’s pretty close.”

“Good,” Mary said, “Let’s go find your sister.”

“You mean Tabitha?” Michael asked, hopefully. Mary eyed him warily. One sister shouldn’t be any more desirable than another. In any case, Tabitha was at volleyball practice and Hope had a night class. But fortunately Chastity was in her room and almost certainly ready to help.

“Maybe I’ll wait,” Michael said, “I’m pretty sure Chastity hates me.”

“Chastity doesn’t hate you,” Mary said, “She just has a unique way of expressing her feelings.” Michael looked ready to protest more, so she grabbed her son by the arm, dragged him out of his room, and marched him down the hall.

“Chastity is going to be so mad,” Michael said.

“Of course she won’t. If anything, she’d be angrier if you didn’t let her help you. You’ll see.” Mary knocked on Chastity’s door (a courtesy she hadn’t given her son) and then opened the door.

Chastity was lying back on her bed, reading a book. She was wearing a conservative set of pajamas – red black plaid with long sleeves that almost looked like a little bedroom business suit. Chastity’s golden curls splayed out on the pillow behind her.

“What we talked about,” Mary said, “It’s time.” She shoved her son into the room. Michael was completely naked. He kept his head down, avoiding everyone’s eyes. He held his erect penis in his hand like it was something that needed carrying. It looked to be about the same size as her husband’s, Mary noticed. Perhaps a bit longer and definitely thicker. A very nice penis that would someday give Michael’s future wife a lot of healthy babies.

Chastity looked up at her brother in shock. Her mouth moved, like she was trying to spin up a sassy retort, but no sound came out.

“Well, get on with it,” Mary said. The siblings stared back at their mother. “Must I do everything? Fine. Michael, you said you were close, so get moving. Chastity, take your clothes off. You need to be ready when your brother is, or this will all be for nothing. Don’t just stare at me like idiots. This is what we agreed to – get going!”

Michael began rubbing his hand up and down his member lightly. It didn’t look to Mary like he was doing much, but she was willing to concede that everyone worked differently. Chastity lifted her pajama shirt over her head. Her large breasts spilled out.

“Holy fuck, sis!” Michael said, “Nice!”

Chastity gave her brother a look – it was supposed to be nasty, but it came out as kind of pleased. Mary had to admit, her daughter’s breasts were quite big. Yet they still had the perkiness of youth. Her little pink nipples poked outward.

It occurred to Mary that her daughter didn’t actually need to take her top off for this, but it was too late by that point. Plus it seemed to be working for Michael. He was rubbing himself much faster.

Chastity slid off her pants, then she lay back on the bed.

“Spread your legs a little, honey,” Mary said. She stepped forward and pulled Chastity’s knees apart. Her daughter’s sex was as purple as her son’s – her labia hung open and wanting. The strong scent of female arousal filled the room.

“You getting turned on by your sister, Perv?” Chastity asked.

“Oh yes,” Michael said, like he couldn’t hear the insult. His whole body turned red. He was breathing like he’d just run a race. Michael started to rub even faster – completely focused on his sister’s naked body.

“OK, Michael. When you’re…”

“Oh FUCK, I’m going to…” Michael tried to jump forward but it was too late. His semen spurted onto his sister’s stomach and chest. He groaned as his body jerked, every ejaculation slowly covering his sister’s ample chest.

“Ewww, gross!” Chastity said as she was splashed with her brother’s sperm.

“You need to cum in your sister, dear, not on her,” Mary said, not unkindly, “Don’t worry. We’ll keep practicing and you’ll get it right eventually.” She rubbed his head lovingly. Michael looked down at what he’d done.

“Sorry,” Michael said, “I’m so sorry.” He ran out of the room.

Mary glared down at Chastity. “That wasn’t exactly what I meant by being supportive.”

“It’s not my fault he shot his spooge all over me,” Chastity said.

“You didn’t have to make him feel bad about it, though, did you?”

Chastity got up and started to wipe herself off with a tissue. She sighed. “Stupid, useless brother.”

“We’re all learning here,” Mary said, “I expect you to be more encouraging next time, OK?”

“You mean, like, beg him to stuff my aching pussy with his huge, hard cock until he blasts me full of his hot, sticky cum?”

“Well, maybe not that encouraging,” Mary said.


After a little time had passed, Mary went to her son’s room and talked to him. She told him that no one was upset. He just needed to learn to time things better.

“With Chastity there naked and watching me. I’m sorry, Mom. I lost control,” Michael said.

“I understand honey. And now we know how to fix things for next time,” Mary said.

Michael nodded. She thought, for a moment, she saw him smile.

“Chastity is very beautiful, isn’t she?” Mary said.

“She’s OK.”

“And Hope,” Mary said, “Don’t you think she’s pretty?”

“Sure, I guess. They’re my sisters. Chastity’s so mean and Hope’s always being bossy. It’s hard for me to think of them that way.”

“And Tabitha?”

“Oh, Tabby’s gorgeous. Everyone knows that,” Michael said.

“Mmhmm,” Mary said, “You’re a very lucky boy.”

“I suppose I am.”


After the previous day’s debacle, Mary knew she needed to adjust her idea of how things would go. Just randomly selecting a sister in the moment was too complicated. They needed to make the process as easy as possible to start with. Later, once they had a system, they could be less organized about things.

She also decided that Michael may have been right. Mary had no doubt that Chastity would be fine in the long run, but she probably wasn’t the best choice for a first try. And if the 20-year old blonde had struggled with doing things right, then starting things off with baby, brunette Tabitha was out of the question. Plus Michael’s own reactions to his little sister were a bit troubling. This was supposed to be functional, not fantasy.

So, Mary made Michael promise the next day to masturbate at a certain time. He grumbled and complained but he agreed. Then she made sure Hope would be around at the right moment and ready. Mary told her oldest daughter to wait in her room, already naked. Then she went to Michael and told him he could begin.

Mary waited in the hallway while her son went to work. She thought it would be a few minutes, but a good amount of time passed before she heard her son’s door open. He was naked again and cradling his penis the same way he had before. It looked a little larger this time, somehow.

Mary led him back to Hope’s bedroom. The tall brunette knew to expect them, so Mary didn’t bother to knock. She opened the door and shoved Michael inside.

Much like her sister the day before, Hope lay back naked on top of the covers. She was long enough that her feet hung off the end of the bed. Hope was very thin with tiny, barely-there breasts. Her brown hair was still neatly tied back in a ponytail. Hope was very beautiful – all my girls are, Mary thought proudly – and she could see by Michael’s reaction to his naked sister that he found her attractive as well. Despite his earlier denial.

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